Grace first came into my life as a small child sitting in the back of the family car on the way to school. Not knowing exactly what it meant, but knowing it was something important, I took hold of it. There was a happy joyfulness that began to find its way through my heart, and all I wanted to do was sing it out, so others could experience this joyfulness of the heart, this light that shone through. But as it sometimes happens, a dark shadow soon made its way over that light that shone so bright. Something that happens all too often, and goes far unnoticed, that should never be. And there began a rude awakening and the loss of an innocence.

As one can imagine there was a struggle in that little child-heart of mine. Confusion and confliction began to play a game within me. It seemed too much for my mind to understand what had happened and all that it began to cause and stir within me, so it was buried, hidden in the very depths of me. There were times when it would rear its head in different forms, sometimes quick and harsh and other times quiet and slow, both leaving a sense of vulnerability and shame, but I was always able to tuck it back down, hiding it in that secret place, yet having a scar that never truly healed. And life was lived as best as a child could live.

I didn’t see Grace move in my life again for a very long time, even though it was always there, always moving, always singing over me. And although I wouldn’t realize it until years later, there were times it moved in large ways. As a young girl, not quite a teenager, just beginning to figure out how to live this life, a decision was made, and everything I knew was uprooted and replanted halfway across the country. From the coastland to the plow land, nothing was familiar. New ground, new people, a new life that I didn’t ask for or want, my heart shrank inside itself, and that scar that lay so deep began to grow.

As the years went by and this young girl became a young woman, I began to learn how to live again, with new friendships to be made, new pleasures to be found, new life to be lived, and all the things that came with being a teenage girl who was too smart for her own good. There were even times some of that light would peak through, and that song in my heart began to softly whisper. Yet my heart would struggle to live in the warmth of that light as the shadows fought to block it out with their cries of shame and accusation. Over the years this became a repeated pattern in my life and the pain of that secret scar became something that needed to be drowned out. As boys started to show interest, I began to find relief from the shadows that repeatedly reminded me of my shame and lack of worth, however temporary it was, and I began to seek a sense of worth and comfort in relationships, giving little pieces of myself away with each passing one. Eventually giving over the last bit of what was left of my innocence, hoping it would give me the relief I desperately desired – to have value, to be loved – finding yet another fleeting moment and a scar that only deepened.

Slightly older and ready to venture this life on my own, thinking I knew all there was to know, I stepped out into my own little world. An old friendship was rekindled and through it new sweet friendships were made, and through them I saw a hope and a spark of Grace and I began again to hear the soft whisper of a song. In the midst of my efforts to listen, that old friendship turned romance, and I gave over my heart to one I thought would make me whole. A sense of hope and comfort began to fill my heart, and that soft whisper of a song became a little easier to hear and I followed along as best as I knew how. That tune soon began to whisper sweet melodies of a home I once knew, of soft ocean mist and sand between the toes. But how could I follow now, having just found what was to make me whole? And so that song had to be hushed, for fear of losing this hearts only hope. And the more the melody was silenced, the more those shadows reappeared, with their claims and accusations of a life unworthy and full of shame.

All that happiness I had, however brief, began to spiral into that once familiar loneliness, and I let go of the one that I thought could make me whole. It seemed the darkness of those shadows filled my life once more, and the pain from that deep wound could no longer be contained and my heart broke open, oozing the years of filth built up by my shame and bitterness of never being enough. I tumbled lower and lower, seeking to ease the pain. When relationship failed, I sought comfort in the numbing effects of drink and then substance, only to spiral even further as nothing I did completely took away the pain.

With a cold spring morning and the effects of the last night’s temporary tourniquet worn off, I went in search of another momentary filling, along with my latest poor choice of a relationship. We searched the usual spots only to keep searching. Then pointed in the direction of a possible find, we came to the door of a man who dazedly let us into his mess of a tiny apartment. Feeling slightly apprehensive about where we were, not really knowing who this person was, I tried to find a place to sit down, hoping we could get what we came for and leave. Shifting some of the mess around, I sat and waited as the man brought out a metal container that I could only assume was what we had come for. As the hinge opened, I peered inside waiting for that familiar substance to show itself, but what I saw was something much different. He took it out, formed it into a small line on a hard surface, and handed a small straw to that man-child sitting just two feet to my left.

Were my eyes really seeing what was before me? How did I become this person? Was this really what my life had come to – seeking anything to numb? And as that man-child took hold of that straw I watched the line of white disappear…

And there in an instant – a blinking of the eye – light burst forth from the darkness that surrounded and a reverberating sound filled my ears – as if like thunder, and yet a soft sweet whisper to my ever aching heart. There was no mistaking that familiar voice as it broke through and sang its love song into my life. Grace spoke resounding: “Beautiful One, I LOVE YOU MORE…”, and all at once I could see clearly, my heart could breathe again and the shadows that plagued suddenly shuttered and fell away. Grace found me in that moment, took my broken heart, and made it new.

And I once again took hold, being careful not to let go. A sweet melody in this new heart and a song that spoke clear, of what was once just a dream and the soft ocean air – how could I not follow where it was leading me…

Grace – more than a meaning, more than a feeling – it’s a love that runs deep, that covers me. That which runs through this life, like blood through vein, has a name – Jesus! My Jesus!

We all have scars, we all have pain. Wounds we’ve endured or wounds maybe we’ve even inflicted, some run deep and some may sit just below the surface. Maybe your shadows have darkened your view or maybe they’re easier to fan away… fan away… fan away… fan… ever lingering, always hovering. Like a record on repeat, redundantly sounding what lacks in your life – an unworthy cause, a love never to be full, a heart never to be whole. Whatever your sound of shame, there is a melody that plays, longing for you to hear, to give way, to call you by name. This Grace – HE calls to you – “Beautiful One, I LOVE YOU MORE… more than your pain, more than your shame, so much more than you could ever know or even fathom. Let ME drown out the shadows that have darkened your view. Oh my child, give your heart to ME and I will make it brand new.”

Giving into His Grace illuminates your darkness, breaks the shackles that bind, allows Him to take your heart, broken and bruised, and make it new.

Can you hear Him calling? Listen close, for He whispers a sweet melody.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have drawn you with gracious love.” Jeremiah 31:3

“The Lord your God is always with you. He is the One who is Mighty to Save. His heart is happy to take delight in you. He will renew you with His love. He will sing over you with a joyful song.” Zephaniah 3:17, paraphrased.

“For it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8