With just a year of marriage under our belt and a new home over our head, we couldn’t think of a better time to start a family. We entered into the new journey with hearts held high and full of hope, with a family that seemed to lack not in offspring, the thought of struggles never crossed our mind. But struggle we did. Over the course of close to 10 years, we took many routes to make our hearts desire come true, each one brought road block after road block, and dead end after dead end. Leaving us right back where we started with a burden we carried that became heavier with each new try. A twinge of resentment began to pierce my heart, and the hope that was once so strong slowly fell by the wayside.

Scattered talk of adoption began to arise as others would question why we were without child, but our hearts desire was to find a way of our own. With strong heads we continued on blinded by our ambition, trying to follow any road that might lead us to that one open path, only to find this womb still empty.

Eventually, the hope and ambition began to fade, and this heart that was once so full began to wither. But one summer afternoon, a random phone call was made and as I listened to the voice on the other end of the call, my heart leapt with a new hope. As if we were being told “this is the way…” an opportunity presented itself.  An unconventional approach to adoption by far, but one we thought was the direction we were being given, as it seemed to almost literally fall in front of us. And with that one call we found ourselves on a new path, even with two other families being considered, we felt that we were finally on a path that would lead us out of the maze, and our hearts clung to the hope that we would soon be a family.

But just as one random phone call gave us the hope that our hearts longed for, so did another take it quickly away, and in just one month’s time, we were taken from overjoyed to shattered unbelief. And the hope that once filled this heart all bright and new, soon left me dry and wounded, with only the echo of what always had been… No. Empty still, these arms, this womb – was all I heard with each loud thump of the heart, as the young mom explained she had gone with another family for her unborn babe. A loud ringing of emotions flooded me as I took the news in, questions filled my mind, and old shadows crept in speaking inadequacy. I sat and gathered all those thoughts and feelings and stuffed them away, even though my heart was broken in two.

Living with the thought that we were still without child and the pain of our hope for one being ripped from our hearts, a wedge of resentment began to slowly and quietly grow. It became harder and harder to watch as others we knew were so easily given the blessing of family, and as time pushed on, so did that wedge push deeper. Slowly we allowed our hearts to become callous to others’ happiness, as it proved less painful as we tried to smile along with them. And we soon found ourselves pushing away, not only from them, but each other. Months went by, just living, everything routine. We put on a brave face to get through the days, the weeks, but we drifted. Our hearts calloused, our hope gone, Grace lost, and that wedge of resentment all but splitting us in two.

The more I stuffed away the pain, the angrier I became, angry at the Grace that once spoke sweet mercies upon my life of love and hope. And how, in all that once was, did I end up here, with a heart so weary and heavy-laden? Where was the love, where was the hope, where was the joy – Where was Grace?

All the hurt, the anger, the resentment, the brokenness spiraled further and further until there was nowhere else for it to go, our hearts weakened with the weight of it all and with one final plunge of that wedge, it burst open. And in a moment of anger and desperation, I lashed out, cursing the Grace I once knew and the one my heart loved. I spoke out to the Grace that I thought abandoned me, my mind reeled, questioning why, and how, and what for, and all these years for not. Yet there in the midst of this heart’s cry, I heard it – a faint whisper, singing ever so softly, “Come to Me…”. My heart grew ever still, waiting, listening – and there in the quiet, I heard that gentle whisper of a voice again, “Come to Me…”, and as my knees bent in surrender, a song of peace covered.

Breaking down the walls binding our hearts, we laid down all that defeat, the years of anger, hurt, resentment, and slowly began rebuilding. As our hearts began to mend, there was a newness that came; we learned what it was to fight for each other, not against, and this love between us grew, more depth, more strength, more than it had ever been. The windows of our hearts had been opened, and like a gentle summer breeze sweeping through, we were refreshed, renewed.

As refreshing came, so did a song of hope and a way, but this heart was timid, afraid of enduring more pain and giving over what it had held onto so tightly for so long. There in my moment of fear, I heard a calling from the distance, “Be brave, My child, be brave…”. We soon began to call upon the Grace that had found us in our defeat, asking for a song of courage. And though painful, a new request fell on these lips, asking for a different purpose – that our hearts’ desire would reflect that of this Grace that sought us. And in this continual asking – this bending of the knees, this sacrifice of the heart – these hands slowly began to unclench, and what was held so dear to this heart, soon began to transform – and there in the distance, as if looking through a clearing after once so lost, was a road and a sweet whisper singing, “this is the way…”.

This Way – the way of Grace, His Grace – always singing, never forsaking, always calling, never-changing. My Jesus – He never leaves, always pursues. Though we might take a wrong turn or walk through the depths, He calls, waiting for us to hear beyond that which deafens the ear, to see beyond what entangles the heart, and follow His gentle leading. He loves us beyond measure, He has ordained our days, He lays a path before us and asks us to walk in it. And though we may stumble, He is always there waiting with open arms, to pick us up, dust us off and lead us on, if only we reach out with palms held high and hearts open wide.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest… For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28 & 30  

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

“‘For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.’” Jeremiah 29:11-13

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6